examining intimacy
i want to be cherished. i want a reassuring hand that intertwines with mine to let me know i'm not alone. i want to be enveloped in care and understanding, trusting that this stability will be a constant. i didn't think that i would be actively missing physical intimacy like this. i don't mean sex. my relationship with sex is a whole separate thing due to the fact that i'm ace. it's a label that took me a while to accept as my own because i kept invalidating myself based on black and white standards of what someone who identifies as ace should be like.
what i want is to be able to be myself and be able to grow together with someone. to be able to communicate openly and approach friction with understanding. my past relationship experiences have always followed the same path.
- i'm a steady source of emotional support
- they put me on a pedestal and develop feelings
- i accept their feelings and state what my expectations of the relationship are
- they agree but once i start to be my own person (with my own thoughts and feelings), they get upset
it's frustrating to be as clear as i can in the way i communicate and they only agree until a situation comes up where i stick to what i've said. i don't ask for much. i expect open communication and trust. it's true when they say the bar is in hell.
i'm an affectionate person. not always but if it's not forced onto me, i actively show affection first. i don't do it because they expect it to lead into sex and this is my main problem with intimacy. it's used as a stepping stone to getting sex out of me instead of it being a caring action. they use it as a way to get close and put hands in places i didn't consent to. all i wanted was to be curled up by your side to enjoy the time and space we're sharing. without my explicit consent, i feel used. a tool for someone else's satisfaction. where can i find touch that doesn't have any expectations? a gentle caress that demonstrates just how much i mean to them?
— sy